


i know it feels like you are breaking down

by forestprincess



Series: be calm [1]
Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: (also theres a little bit of swearing in this), Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Panic Attacks, Rule 63, but nothing too triggering i don't think, lot's of comfort basically, this is just me dealing with my anxiety by projecting it onto these lil angels, tooth rotting fluff srsly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-22
Updated: 2014-07-22
Packaged: 2018-02-09 23:46:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2002656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forestprincess/pseuds/forestprincess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"People expect me to be, need me to be this big ray of sunshine who loves life and is funny and witty and clever and I couldn't handle it today. I just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for 10 years."</p>
<p>a.k.a the one where Courf's anxiety gets the better of her</p>
            </blockquote>





	i know it feels like you are breaking down

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i'm jen and this is my first fic i've ever posted anywhere so pls be nice to me c: comments/kudos are appreciated <3 x

Courfeyrac walks through the front door of the apartment shared by her and Combeferre after approximately 8 attempts to get her hands to stop shaking for long enough to fit the damn key into the damn lock. She’s immediately greeted by her girlfriends soothing voice coming from the kitchen, where she’s just finishing up some pasta.

“How was your day Courf?”

“Red. So, so red.” She responds and tries to contain herself.

“Oh my gosh,” Is Ferre’s immediate response, shortly followed by her dropping her wooden spoon and drawing her girlfriend in, enveloping her in her arms and running her hand softly through Courf’s hair.

Red days for Courf had become so few and far between that Ferre had almost forgotten how to care for her, so she just held her for a little while, whispering soothing words into her ear while she decided a plan of action that would silence the anxiety circling her girlfriends’ brain.

“Come on then sweetie, let’s get you in your pyjamas and lay down and then we’ll eat dinner if you’re up for it?”

Courf can only nod in response, well and truly drained by her own brain. Then Ferre is leading her into the bedroom, changing her slowly and with great care from her university clothes into her baggy batman pyjamas and then laying her down with a fluffy blanket on the couch.

“Do you need me to do anything specific other than generally look after you?” She asks in an almost whisper.

Courf shakes her head gently and snuggles further into the blanket.

“Okay well I’ll just be two minutes getting the pasta alright? Do you need me to talk while I’m in the kitchen?”

“If… If you can. I just need to know you’re there.”

“Alright, I’m just going to go put some sauce on the pasta now, and get that cheese you like. You know the expensive one? The special occasion cheese? I think we’ll have some of that tonight. And I'll put some in little cubes in the bowl, just how you like it, like we used to have it at your grandmas in primary school? Do you remember that? And then when we’ve finished eating we can watch a movie or talk about it or just go straight to bed. Whatever you want okay?”

And with that she was back, coaxing Courf upright, supporting her back with a pillow and then tucking her legs up so she could put the pillow on the side of her left thigh. She ran her free hand through Courf’s messy brown curls and she leaned into the touch automatically, feeling a little bit more soothed.

They eat in a comfortable silence, and once they’re both finished Ferre collects their bowls and places them in the sink. When she returns to their living room she sits on the far right of the couch, shuffling Courf’s head into her lap and resting her hands in her girlfriend’s hair.

“Do you wanna talk about it sweetheart? Because it’s fine if you don’t, but sometimes you know it helps you.”

Courf sighs and looks as if she’s trying to muster up the strength to even get out a coherent sentence. Combeferre has the patience of a saint and just rubs her shoulder, telling her to take all the time she needs.

After a few minutes, Courf says “I don’t even really know how it started anyway. I could just feel it, you know? Like I was on edge all day and my bones felt like they were vibrating and I was just tired and upset and I couldn’t do it! For God’s sake why can’t I do it sometimes? People expect me to be, need me to be this big ray of sunshine who loves life and is funny and witty and clever and I couldn’t handle it today. I just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for 10 years.” She replies finally, sounding tired and defeated.

“Did you have a panic attack love?” Ferre whispers

“In the bathroom, like a fucking idiot and everyone was probably listening and I felt like such shit and I just couldn’t keep it together for fucks sake!” She almost yells.

“Hey, hey, don’t blame this on yourself; this is your anxiety’s fault, not yours alright? Some days it’s just out of your control and that’s okay, you just need a little extra love and support and I’m here to give that to you. I’m here to try and make it better, because I love you so much and you’re so strong and beautiful and I love you. So why don’t we go and lie on the bed for a bit because this couch is shit for cuddles?”

That draws a laugh from Courf’s lips as Combeferre picks her up, carrying her bridal style to their room and laying her down gently on their purple duvet cover, leaning in to kiss her before she changes into her Captain America shirt that’s 2 sizes too big.

“Come here, my precious little angel.” She says as she draws Courf into her arms, cradling her against her chest and whispering to her in the most soft, soothing voice she can manage.

“You know you’re allowed to feel like this right? You don’t have to spend every day of your life being the life of the party, the ball of sunshine, the centre, you can take a day off and just relax you know? You need to, every once in a while. So I tell you what, tomorrow I’ve only got one class and that’s just anatomy, not important. And you have two but you’re going to phone in sick okay? You’re going to say you’ve got that 24 hour virus Joly says is going around and you can totally freak out the person on the other end with all the details until she marks you medical. And then we’re going to spend the day in bed together, and we’re going to watch bad movies, eat ice cream, turn off our phones and sleep a lot and just relax. Because you need it, okay? You need and so you can. Just give yourself some time to calm down. Does that sound okay?”

Courf nods into her chest in lieu of a reply and seems perfectly satisfied for the first time that whole day.

“So now, I’m going to brush out your hair because it’s only going to get knottier and you’ll complain and cry about it in the morning and then we’re going to cuddle some more, and you’re going to tell me which shitty movies you want to watch tomorrow and I’ll download them onto the TV, alright?”

“Yeah, yeah that sounds good.”

“Sit up then love, sit between my legs, lean back a little, relax, that’s it. Good.”

Ferre begins to run their much loved tangle teaser through Courf’s hair as words seem to begin to be able to form again in her mouth.

“I mean, I love my mum dearly but this damn Afro-Caribbean is a _real_ pain. Like why does it just knot everywhere?”

Combeferre just laughs in response and runs the brush through some more, with as much softness as you can with Courf’s wild, usually untameable curls.

“Should we cuddle some more now?” Ferre says when she’s finished.

“Yeah. Yeah I’d like that.”

Ferre lies down in the centre of their double bed and draws Courf into her arms again, snuggling her into her chest and cradling her in the way she knows she loves so much on days like this.

“Wait, hold on.”

She reaches for her phone on the nightstand and sends out a group text:

**To: All**

_Me and Courf are taking an MHD tomorrow, she needs it, all phones will be turned off, if it’s an emergency, and only if it’s an emergency, (looking at you Jehan, what rhymes with chrysanthemum is not an emergency) ring our landline. Much love, Ferre + Courf xo_

**Author's Note:**

> (MHD means mental health day, if you didn't know, it's like a day you take out from life for the sake of your brain) also i'm sorry if you deem any of my talk about courf's anxiety to be wrong, i'm literally writing exactly how i feel when i get like that. oh as well pretty much everyone in this verse will be rule 63'd (with jehan and enjolras being non binary and maybe some other trans ppl as i get further into it, my headcannons aren't totally crystal clear yet) again pls comment with suggestions or anything, or leave kudos bc i will love you forever! -jen xo


End file.
